confusion

i feel so frustrated and confused. I don't know what to do anymore any choice that i make will have a HUGE impact on my kids..I don't know if i should move or stay here? I don't want to talk to Aaron but i know me not talking to him makes him angry and he will try and say that I'm being "un-civil" and that i am not co-parenting with him...But i don't want to. I just want to be left alone i don't want to see or here about him...if i could i would stop my brain from constantly thinking about him but i can't...Yesterday was so hard i just kept thinking there at my house with my family doing family things...and i can't be there never again will i be there and have our family at home doing family things...and even worse knowing that she is "playing mom" and they are acting like a family with my family..something that she has no right to or no reason to be apart of. I am so heart broken i don't want to love him anymore but i can't turn off those feelings i try and try i think of all the things that he has done to me but yet i still miss him and love him and wish we could be together...it's not fair. I feel so hurt that he has a girlfriend that he passed me up for her.....just over and over and over again i keep thinking what is it about her? why/how is she so much better than me? i tried so hard to be a good wife..i had my flaws but everyone does. I did everything for him and got nothing in return. I'm scared to death that i may never get married ever again that i may never have anymore kids....i may be one of those moms that has to work 2 or even 3 jobs just to stay afloat. All because he decided that he didn't want to take care of his responsibilities anymore. I know i shouldn't but i can't help but sit here and thing what is wrong with me? what did i do that has led to me leading a life of pain and suffering? why do my babies have to go through this? I know that i haven't gone through nearly as bad of times as a lot of people but it's hard for me...i feel like my life starts to be getting on track and then things go way down hill then i have to build it up again and then it gets knocked down again...it's like should i even bother building my life back up cause i know it's going to get knocked down again and lately when things get knocked down it gets worse each time...what will it be next time i don't even dare think of what it could be.I'm just so tired of this...my goal in life was just to be a wife and a mom and raise a family...i never wanted a big career or lots of money or expensive cars...i mean it would be nice! but i just want a family to raise and be happy with. I want to find my life partner who is there for me and cares for me and loves me for me and loves my kids and has the same beliefs and values as me. I just want joy and to be a good mom..but i don't know what to do any decision i make could have a DRASTIC impact on these kids I'm scared to death of destroying these kids lives.....i just feel like there is just to much stress and pressure on me i don't feel like i can handle it anymore....but it's like what do i do i can't get away from it i just keep having to deal with it and i just get more and more depressed.