Getting Out Frustration

First off Stacy and Brandy thank you for telling me about this i think it will be good for me!

I am so beyond frustrated with all of this. DIVORCE SUCKS....

I can not believe that he would do this to me. I never thought he would ever cheat on me. I was so heart broken when he told me. How could he throw away his whole family for this one girl....that he had only known for a month. How is she worth throwing away your whole life for? How is it that i could mean so little to him. He was my world and i thought i was his too....i didn't even know we had "problems" until i found out that he cheated...and the dumb thing is he tells me that the reason things wouldn't work out is because he couldn't talk to me about things because he was afraid i would leave him....so what your going to beat me to the punch and ditch me first?? He's such a different person he scares me. It's so hard knowing that he doesn't love me or want to be with me. It kills your self esteem..you try and try to explain that to people but no one but someone who has been in that position can understand...it's not their fault they just can't understand. It's so hard to go through life feeling so unsure of yourself and feeling ugly and unattractive and realizing that this could be the end for me...i may never get married again i may never have anymore kids. That kills it sends chills up my spine just thinking of the fact that i could be without my dream big family with a husband and lots of kids. I feel so undesirable and it's like who's going to want to be with me...a 20 year old with 2 kids that is divorced...i feel like people will look at me and go whats wrong with her? She must have a lot of problems to not be able to make her life work. I know i have made A LOT of mistakes in my past...i thought i was making a change...but it's like am i destined to have a life that sucks...a life that gives me joy for a short while but i manage to screw it up. Will i always be known as the screw up...that's how i feel people think of me.... the girl who screwed up in high school by getting pregnant..the one who couldn't make her marriage work...couldn't change her husband into a good guy...and brought 2 kids into the mess. I feel so bad for my kids. They deserve the absolute best in life..and they aren't getting it. The deserve so much more...they deserve a mom that's not depressed. It's so hard because i love me kids so much but i don't want to be a mom right now... i know it sounds horrible but i don't...i can't even manage my own life how in the world am i suppose to manage their lives too? I wish i could just disappear but i can't i have to deal with all of this 24/7 it's to much i feel so overwhelmed with life. I feel like I'm stuck in a hole that i can't get out of...It's like i want to get a job...but i need a car..but i need a job to be able to afford a car...and i want to move out of my parents but i need a job so that i can but i can't get a job because i don't have a car and i have to figure out daycare but i can't put my kids in daycare because i don't have any money to pay for it. I just wish i could leave my body and take a break for a while. They say that God doesn't give us more than what we can handle...but i can't handle this...i just feel like I'm at the end.... I keep praying that things will hopefully get better once we go to court and we get our parenting plan in order...but what if the court doesn't agree with me...do i really have to put my kids in a place where they aren't safe...with people that don't have the kids best interest at heart and who aren't mentally stable enough to take care of my babies?? It's so unfair.....People can stop the whole united states from celebrating Christmas in schools because they don't believe in it or whatever...but if i try and keep my kids safe from people that i don't believe will look after him...i have to just deal with it because the courts say so..because they aren't "PHYSICALLY" hurting my kids define physically hurting them...how about not feeding our son the proper foods knowing that our son has reflux and the junk food that you continue to feed him makes him throw up..or feeding our daughter at 5 months cows milk??? or biting our son because it feels good in your teeth? how in the freaking world is that not physical abuse?? i don't get it...is it just me or is that REALLY messed up. I just want this to end and i want to be happy i want to live a happy life with my kids.....