Mornings

I hate mornings...that's the worst part of my day. I hate laying there in bed thinking about my life and the dreams i just had, you just lay there and think for hours and you keep looking at the clock hoping that you have fallen asleep again and that time is passing by...but no it's still 4 in the morning time moves so slow and all you can do is just lay there and think....think about him, what is he doing, does he miss me too? does he think about our good times and wish he could go back...does he miss my hugs as much as i miss his. That's when i felt the happiest in life was when he hugged me.....i miss that that feeling of security and warmth and love. he probably doesn't....he's got someone else to hug. I hate the feelings that i have. Depression can be so consuming...it just takes over your whole body. Inside you feel so empty like you have no bones or muscles. The only thing there is you heart and it's sad and dying ..it's been broken into so many pieces and those pieces can't survive on their own. All you feel is despair...you try so hard not to but all you can think is why? why me? what did i do wrong...you can't help but feel you did wrong considering your the one who keeps losing...my house, my car, my husband, my furniture, friends, family how can it be that he's the one that did wrong but I'm the one that's losing....Most importantly how did this go from this being his fault to mine?? How could he turn himself into the victim why can't he understand? I want my babies to have their daddy but daddy isn't stable daddy doesn't know how to care for them....how can he sit there and tell me he hates me and that this is all my fault..........he's the one that cheated he's the one that kicked us out...It hurts to be betrayed by the one you love most. And her i HATE her i know we should be forgiving but i hate her...i don't' want her here anymore...trying to replace me...she got my husband now she wants my kids and my family...will she get them i pray she won't. Why is she so mean to me..even with all of this going on i was never mean to her...why does she post things like she knows me and what I'm all about...the two of them make me out to be so bad....after hearing all those things it's hard to not wonder if maybe they are true. Maybe i am mean and vile...maybe this is all my fault??? But i didn't want this i wanted to fix my family...i would have forgiven him but he wouldn't give her up...what is it about her??? why is she so much better than me...cause she drinks? and she doesn't have kids so she can do what she wants when she wants? cause she does drugs? i thought those were characteristics of a bad person? so why would he desire that? I don't want my kids around that stuff...they deserve a good happy life and those things bring nothing but pain and trouble. It breaks my heart just to look at these kids...why them? why do they have to be dragged through this? Their the ones truly suffering...they can't see their parents together at the same time...can't spend quality time with dad...and mom can't really call me a mom cause i don't' do anything with them...i just try and get them distracted with something else so that i can be alone......how could i do that to them? they deserve a good mom who plays with them and takes care of them that's not me.................... i hate myself for feeling like i have failed my kids. they deserve so much and mom doesn't even want to get out of bed. Are they going to hate me when they grow up? will they hate me and blame me for them not seeing there dad all the time? and what will he tell them? When will i start feeling better about myself? will i ever find inner peace? Will i ever love myself? will anyone love me? Will i find another Aaron someone who i think loves me but just abuses me? Will who i am be enough for someone...it wasn't for Aaron....will they tell me i can't do things right...or do them period ...that I'm stupid...will i have to beg them to wake up just to spend time with me? will they always want to be with their friends more than me....will i ever do better? i just want to be loved and be with someone who wants to raise a family with me.....i just want to be happy