i'm sorry

I'm sure people are beyond frustrated with me that i can't handle handing the kids off to Aaron or going to with to pick them up or can't answer his phone calls....like he says I'm being immature and I'm sorry but this my only way of handling things. I'm a child still i wish i was grown up and mature and could mentally handle all of this but I'm not. I was a child having children playing house. Now i have gotten my children in a mess that they don't deserve. They are such sweet spirits nothing means more to me than to have aiden come up and give me a big hug and say mommy i love you so much! Or to walk into a room call makaylas name and have her face light up with excitement. I love them so much but yet i don't understand how i can have that love for them but at the same time wish i wasn't a mom. I just want to be alone and hide away from the world but i can't because i have to take care of them. I can't even begin to explain how much my heart aches for them that they got thrown into this mess. The worst part is the gilt i have for aiden...did i ruin his life by deciding to keep him had i given him up for adoption would his life be better. I always wonder if i ruined it for him due to my selfishness. My heart aches its been broken to the point where i don't know if it can be fixed. Was i destined to continually fail never being enough. The example of what not to do in life. Everything i do is wrong or not good enough . I just want to be accepted and loved and be happy. I want to love life and feel successful. I don't want to be sad anymore i don't want to be depressed but i don't know how to get out its a tunnel with a dead end.