deeper and deeper

i can feel myself going deeper and deeper into depression. i feel like I've been put into a deep hole that i was almost out of and now all of the sudden i lost my grip and fell back down into it. I hate waking up in the mornings it seems like every morning it gets worse and worse. I was so excited for the new years eve dance it was my first time to go out and be single....and it sucked it was just a reminder that I'm different from everyone else and that i don't fit in. I don't' listen to rap music i don't know the latest terms or what is going on in all the new TV shows or the dances they are doing on MTV. Plus everywhere i looked there were couples all kissing at midnight and hugging and having fun and all i could think about is who my husband was kissing and out having fun with. It just made me really realize it's going to be really hard for me to make friends and especially hard for me to meet guys. Who's going to want to be with me? I don't even like myself....i wish i could look in a mirror and for once see a pretty girl not sit there and see my stretch marks and think how fat i look and how horrible my acne is.....i wish i could appreciate the body i have. I don't want to be famous or horribly rich or anything i just want to feel normal and feel like i belong somewhere. I don't fit in with the kids my age but i don't fit in with all the moms because I'm to young....i just want to fit in feel normal and important. I don't want to be lonely.....it's the worst feeling to feel alone even with all the people in my life i feel so alone. I don't' want to go to bed alone and wake up alone anymore....i don't want to cry by myself anymore. I just want to be loved and be treated good. I want to have a husband who loves and cares about me and respects me. I hated that i always dreaded when Aaron came home from work.... why did he always have to rape me........ how can he not see it as rape, why did i let him do it to me day after day week after week month after month. how did i come up with the reasoning of....well at least he wants to spend time with me for once. I feel so used and violated. I'm so scared that no one will ever love me again or that i will find love but he will lie and cheat just like Aaron and almost every other guy i dated did....what is wrong with me that guys would cheat and lie to me. It makes you feel so worthless. I just feel like I'm not good enough and my heart breaks for my kids that they got stuck with me. Everyone else could leave they' can't they are stuck with me...i am scared that I'm going to mess up their lives and that they will grow up regretting me. I don't want them to feel like they need to starve themselves so that their dad will love them more or that they really truly are beautiful and that guys like them because they are beautiful and amazing not just that your new and once your not new they won't be interested anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore i don't want to carry all these burdens anymore. I just want a rest. I don't understand why he's the one who gets to go and be single and party and be in a relationship while i have to be alone trying to raise my kids depressed. will it ever change will i ever be the happy one and him be wishing that life was better. I hate it here i don't know how much longer i can handle it....i don't know what i will do if the courts wont allow me to move. I'm so tired i just want a break from life..............