i don't know what to do

i'm not sure what to do. all i keep thinking about is what aaron did to me the rape and abuse that he put me through...i don't know if i should press charges or not. Its haunting me i keep replaying incidents over and over again in my head. I want them to stop i don't want to think about it anymore. i didn't think about it that much before but it seems like sense i got over the whole cheating and divorce thing. thats all i can think about. i'm ashamed and embarrassed of the things that happened i don't want to have to tell people in detail the things he did...its so humiliating. that fact makes me doubt it, it makes me wonder if i am just over reacting about things but i know what he did and i know that it wasn't right. Sadly i thought what was happening was normal i figured all guys were like that.i accepted it, it was easier than fighting it. why wasn't i strong enough to fight back harder...i couldn't even protect my kids from it...what kind of mother am i to not be able to prevent my babies from having to be in the bed with us while daddy raped mommy. i should have been stronger i should have fought harder. But i was scared...i was scared of loosing him. I figured well i don't like what hes doing but atleast hes giving me attention. it makes me physically ill to think about what he did. i thought he loved me but the more i think about it there is no way he could have loved me and treated me the way he did. i'm scared people wont believe me...i have been honest this whole time and hes lied but yet hes won despite that. i want him to have to deal with the consequences of what he did to me but i don't want my kids to loose their daddy. I don't want my kids to hate me for making them not be able to see daddy as much or at all. i keep praying but i hear two voices one telling me not to charge him the other one telling me to charge him...the problem is i can't figure out which one is the savior and which one is the devil.....